No Holding Back November

Last week I fell down, the sentencing for Marilee Gardner was over and with it my adrenaline rush and fight seemed to be over as well.  I slept a lot, I didn’t go to work the remaining of the week and I cried and cried and cried.  I wrote sad meaningful posts, which I needed and Madi deserved a moment of stillness.. and like it or not I needed some time to let things set in.

The first six months after Madi was killed I was medicated and docile, I am sure I needed that down time, but it wasn’t me.  I am sure my calmness had been observed by others and they had a false idea of who I am. I actually only figured this part out today.

I am extremely close to a few of my aunts.  On my Mom’s side I have my aunt Susan, she is so supportive and is always there to listen to me, she takes the time to understand where I am coming from.  I think I have taken a lot from my lifelong relationship with her and she is a huge influence on who I am.  Susan and I have been present for each other during the darkest parts of our lives and as dreary as that sounds it is a comfort.

On my Dad’s side I am actually close to all of my aunts, that is the honest truth.  I have 5 aunts on that side and they seriously ALL mean the world to me.  My aunt Tami is only two years older than me so she often feels more like a sister.  My aunt Denice is such a good person, she also is not much older than me and one of my best friends.  And then there is aunt Glenda, my aunt Glenda is the feistiest woman I know and even before Madi was killed I had started seeing that I was developing some of her skillset.  Aunt Glenda has had some very hard times and has had to deal with huge losses much like myself.   She has been telling me lately how proud she is of me and things like that keep me going.  Today or I guess it will be Yesterday when I post this she let me know that she was worried about me those first 6 months, she told me that she thinks I have become so strong.

It’s funny how you can know you have become strong and still question yourself at the same time.  Last Saturday in an attempt to shake the sadness of that week I had decided that in November I was going to write and post something every day.

So far so good, I made day one and now I made day two as well.

This was not supposed to be the day two post.  After aunt Glenda had told me that she saw my strength I had a sudden burst of fierceness.  I have wanted for a few months to share the exact details of the police reports from that night, but not at the expense of ruining things for others involved.

I believe now is the time.  I am so confused about so many things and this is not something I can be at peace with until I understand and can put the puzzle together.  I already know that when the puzzle gets put together it is probably going to be a horrific picture, but my consistent concern since 6/30/2016 has been that I don’t feel that I know the truth.  I believe it’s my right to know and at this point I don’t entirely understand many of the things that I have been told or learned on my own.

I need to get this all written, I ultimately do not know what I am going to do with all of my scattered writings, but they are a start to something and maybe someone along the way will read this or see this and be able to help point me to the right direction,

Before I started on this post I had already started writing about the first issue I feel compelled to get out there…And that first thing is Marilee’s confession.

I decided it was best to let everyone know what I am up to….