Fallen West Valley City Police Officer remembered one year later — fox13now.com

[ooyala code=”d0NWphZDE6ku4Y-pocTPQKVk0X7h_uoG” player_id=”3ce6404476914e86994d87aac3e4391b” auto=”true” width=”1920″ height=”1080″ pcode=”x1b3E6uSQFrERylr1X1PdViOr0tE”] WEST VALLEY CITY, Utah – A mixture of emotions and cold weather put handfuls of tissues in people’s hands Monday night, as they gathered to remember fallen Officer Cody Brotherson. “It’s kind of a little bit of everything hitting you all at once,” said Jessica Le, who was […]

via Fallen West Valley City Police Officer remembered one year later — fox13now.com

I will just keep my documentation right here going forward

I feel so violated, like seriously I do.  I have been waiting for the Layton PD report, it was never provided with my “complete” file.  Does this mean my lawyer never even tried to get this?  Honestly it probably does.  And correction on using lawyer I meant lawyers, but it ended up only being a singular lawyer because the other one who promised he would be there through all of the criminal proceedings bailed about January(ish).

This is hard, harder then I could ever have imagined.  I’m confused, shocked, I don’t understand any of this and I thought I had a lawyer to take care of these things, but apparently they aren’t held to any kind of standard whatsoever and it’s my job to know that.

Today is an emotional mess of a day and I feel super pathetic and vulnerable.  I have no fight in me, I know it will come back because it always does.  I thought about posting something I wrote in April, but I can’t make things better for myself or others if I can’t be real and show my defeated bad days.

My work has been messing with me for quite some time and I handle it pretty well for the most part.  I say my work, but it’s probably only one person.  There’s someone there that likes to make me constantly jump through hoops for no reason.  When I went through this last year I ended up being diagnosed with PTSD.  I really don’t know how they diagnose these things, but I know I answered a bazillion questions and I remember laughing because they were in big sections of questions and I would end up answering an entire section as all yes and other sections as all no.  So then you sit there and think; oh no what kind of crazy did I just unknowingly admit to being?

After the testing I had several weeks of therapy sessions, the Therapist didn’t officially diagnose me, but he told me what it was.  I had to wait for the psychiatrist to approve me for my special honor.   I was surprised however  (and again no idea how they determine these things), when I did see the psychiatrist he told me he thinks I have had this since childhood, but losing Madi made it severe.  This did make sense to me, I had  always seemed to repress memories.  I made a comment on yesterdays post about how my mind blocks things that I don’t what to hear, feel or see.   I am starting to realize when I am doing this, such as while Dr. Gardner was talking during sentencing.

The work story is a long story so to get you to where you can understand  without being confused I will try to be brief.  I wouldn’t bother writing about it, but I need to let it out because it is so asinine.  I returned to work  four months after Madi was killed, they had agreed to me switching jobs so that I wouldn’t need to be on the phone which was why I was finally able to be released.   This lasted for about three-four months before it started to seem like it was an issue and I was being asked to make phone calls, but the phone calls I was  being asked to make were always these huge problem orders and I wasn’t being given the details of what had happened on them.   So you can imagine that some of the customers were sometimes confrontational.

I started pushing back on this and because of that the past few months have been hell.  The HR person I had originally dealt with had left less then a month after I  had returned.  The reason she left ?  Her job was being eliminated.  My FMLA/ADA records were missing for at least 8 months, it seems as though they have been found with the exception of the information regarding the return to work agreement.  A few weeks ago I was told that I needed to get them new copies of what I am able to find or new copies from the doctor otherwise they won’t be able to “accommodate” me anymore.

Ok, well that’s nice right?

In addition to providing a new set of  the same documentation they were already given I am also required to get a new ADA form filled out.

So as luck would have it a job came open in a different department, I was approached about taking this job and for a couple of days  I was extremely relieved and excited about my job again. The job I would be transferring to would not have the same potentially volatile situations as my current job so I wouldn’t need to worry about jumping through hoops to get the required documentation.

I would also like to state that I am a good worker, I am very diverse in what I know, so this  feels personal.  This has been horrible, I am having the hardest time understanding how someone can treat me like this knowing my entire situation and also knowing that I came back only because they said they could make things work for me.

Last Friday I was thinking I would be finding out my transfer date.  I was called to HR and I was told in order to take the new job I needed to get released from my doctor on my “accommodations”.   Yep now I have to get released by a doctor for something that wasn’t really ever followed and that they keep saying doesn’t exist so that I can transfer to a job that actually meets what I need.

Seriously I don’t understand, like not at all.  Well I do only because I know that someone doesn’t and never has liked me.  Not before this, not during this, not ever.

Oh I forgot to tell you about the sentencing surprise… There’s always a surprise…

I still don’t understand exactly what happened or  exactly what this means, but I guess I know as much as the County Attorney’s office, so that’s… well I guess that’s really nothing….

I think I mentioned that shockingly enough I was late to the sentencing . I was really only four to five minutes late, which in my world means I was early, but we can just say I was on time(ish).  It didn’t matter though because the judge hadn’t read the letters yet.

Have I mentioned that I really liked the judge?  And yes I am being serious, there was something I really liked about her.  I would have liked her regardless of if she chose to pre-read those letters, but I have to say I appreciated that move and maybe not at first, but it was the right thing to do.

Why?  Because the letters were important to us and even more important to Madi and Tyler.  When she took time before the hearing and we were all aware of what that time was being used for it gave that moment the significance it deserved.  It was a form of respect.  With the letters being fresh on her mind she was able to say a few things that I felt sent a message  to the Gardner’s and their attorney.  In my opinion it felt like we finally had someone on our side and after being so violated by this whole situation I will say it was noticed and appreciated.   But even without all of that if you are a diva boss woman judge you should be late to everything no matter what .  You should also show up wherever you go with a bedazzled Gavel, but she wouldn’t do that, she just knew how to make a statement.  Don’t get me wrong the district court judge has also made us wait, but I think his stalling was more of a;  What the hell are you guys pulling?  Nope, hold on, wait a damn minute, type of making us wait.

So here’s a fun fact… Did you guys know Marilee’s Lawyer  was also one of Warren Jeffs’ defense attorney’s?  Sorry I know that is way off the subject and placed here randomly for no apparent reason, but I am getting to our surprise.   I have known about this odd selection since the beginning of this legal process and I have never been able to wrap my head around it.

Let’s think this through for a minute.  She was representing Warren Jeffs’, hmm odd, but ok.   Let’s see who else she has represented?  Well there’s this guy .   Wait isn’t that the same guy that ??… Oh yep it is it’s the same guy.. How fun!!   I wonder how they all know each other?  I  actually don’t know the answer to that question, but don’t worry I am going to delve into it.  Wait one more… where are my laughing emoji’s?  You all better be clicking on these links, I worked hard to find the perfect pictures of this circus.

I guess perhaps it worked out for them, but I am not a good one to ask.  I Googled every possible thing related to Marilee’s case to see if that firm came up and never once did they come up as an option.  And yes I know he probably didn’t Google defense attorneys for his daughter, but I do know they were called in the middle of the night, so where did this recommendation or “great find” come from?  Just odd if you ask me.

Oh and while I’m completely off subject and talking about odd selections …Dr. Gardner did speak on sentencing day.  I would usually say that I don’t want to sound mean, but I don’t care if I sound mean.  He stood up, he was crying, I braced myself and for a brief second thought a sincere apology was coming.   As soon as I heard “Our Heavenly Father” I started crying, not because it was such an emotional outpouring, but because it didn’t mean anything at that point, it was not sincere .  There was no meaning behind his words and I didn’t want or need his memorized, recycled prayers.  I blocked him out, but one of my best friends told me he actually said “time heals all wounds”..  Are you kidding me?  My brain knows when to start blocking that’s for sure.

I’m still confused about our surprise,  there was no presentation and a  surprise should have a presentation right?  It shouldn’t just be randomly brought up, right?  Now you can see that I tried to create the same effect with the Gardner’s polygamy lawyer thing, did it work?  Oh wait, we don’t know what it was intended for and can’t answer yes or no, but we can answer if it sounds like a fun thing or not.

This surprise is not something I couldn’t have imagined getting, but it turns out every 90 days Marilee Gardner will get a parole hearing in the juvenile system.  What?? (I know that was our reaction). It was just randomly dropped here and there during sentencing, kind of mentioned in passing like we were aware.  Granted I wouldn’t have known regardless because I was fired by our advocate, but one would think the others knew about this new development, but nope they did not.

This was frustrating when we first found out.  Marnie has been on it as far as communicating with the juvenile court and I think we will make the most of it.  We get to be there every 90 days, we get to show that we are not going anywhere, and we have been told this is a first for them.  They have not had to deal with anything like this.   We should probably apologize in advance…

Why I am the way I am. A complete #$@&*%$ Rant..plus a list of why I do and also why I don’t care what I say

Sorry Y’all, but I will thank you in advance for being my therapist.  I am trying to write factual and informing posts.  I want as best as I can to show my/our frustrations.

A  skill I have learned during the last 16 months is to control my reactions, and the reason this is such a necessity is that no one listens to emotion.  You can be completely losing it..crying, frantic, freaking out, completely inconsolable and no one working in the justice system will show real concern.

People who have jobs that one would think would require them to have some compassion don’t have it.  But really why would they?  How hard would it be in your day-to-day life if you had a job dealing with crime victims and you were actually engaged to a point of feeling their pain. I am not saying that sarcastically either, I am being objective and sincere.   If you had a job so closely related to people going through their darkest days and you let yourself get immersed  in their grief it would eat you alive.

The problem with dealing with people who have these types of jobs is we aren’t on an even playing field with them.  They know how to deal with us and we didn’t get a playbook.  Beyond that we don’t even realize that there is a game going on, some of us figure it out around half time, and others they have no clue what just happened..

This treatment and the entire process brings out an anger in you that you never knew existed.  To get that anger out you have to take charge and stick up for yourself.  You have to become a force, it’s fight or flight.  Some of us get in fight mode, and some wear blinders.  Some of us write letters to the judge, and some think the fighters have lost their mind and need a long vacation.

I don’t care what anyone thinks, I do however care about my loved ones feelings, so I sometimes attack on the down low.

Why I don’t care what I say
1) Because I am right
2) Because some people make me sick
3) If I don’t say it who else will?
4) Because someone ripped my heart out
5) Because when my children get older and figure out what really happened they will know that I fought.
6) Because before me there were many, many others who had to  fight the same fight.
7) Because these people are never going to do what is best for you, that is not their job
8) Because I will help others going through the same thing and if I stop saying what needs to be said I will be of no value to them
9) Because no one will tell me the truth or even point me in the right direction
10) Because I lost my first baby and this is what I have left that I can do for her
Why I do care what I say
1) I need my word to mean something
2) I don’t want to embarrass my kids
3) I want to help others going through this
4) I need to show I have merit
5) I need the truth
6) I need people to help me
7) Not everyone is horrible and I am still a respectful person
8) The other fighters need me
9) The flightees (yes made up word) need me too and I might need them, but probably not, if I do it would be to create a diversion and they would ‘t even know that they were part of the game
10) Because I lost my first baby and this is what I have left that I can do for her
Per Dictionary.com
Fight or Flight
nounPhysiology, Psychology.

1.

the response of the sympathetic nervous system to a stressful event,preparing the body to fight or flee, associated with the adrenalsecretion of epinephrine and characterized by increased heart rate,increased blood flow to the brain and muscles, raised sugar levels,sweaty palms and soles, dilated pupils, and erect hairs.
Also called fight-or-flight response.

 

Who decides what Murder is? And the learners permit head scratcher…

Murder and Manslaughter are both Homicide, the difference between the two depends on two things, what state of mind the perpetrator was in during the act of the crime; and also what the nature of the act was.

Here is the definition of Homicide according to vocabulary.com

The noun homicide means a murder. If you kill another person, you are committing a homicide. The level of the homicide is legally defined as murder if the act was intentional and as manslaughter if it was unintentional.

We all know that purposely hitting two innocent people by accelerating to a speed of 100 mph in your moms enormous Chevy Tahoe is extremely bad-natured…  Right..?  So what about the crazy aspect?  If your teenage son or daughter had been in a Mental Institute for 10.5 months and it had only been two months since they were discharged would you allow them to get their learners permit?   And actually Marilee was in the State Mental Hospital  for 10.5 months.

I have to say that when I read those words “The State Mental Hospital” my stomach dropped.

So parents out there would you take your teen to get their learners permit if they had barely been released from a ten month stay at “The” one and only State Mental Hospital?  I mean if they don’t care about their own kid it is what it is… but at least care about the kids that belong to the rest of us.

Here is Dr. Gardner’s account of his daughters mental issues.  The following are some questions and answers from that morning.  I highlighted Marilee’s Dad’s responses.

Detective: Ok. Give me a little bit of history on your daughter.   So what has she been going through?  Why does she feel liked she’d be suicidal?

Dr. Gardner: So she’s been depressed since she was five.

Ok.  Does she have any kind of mental illnesses or anything?

Just the depression, but it’s pretty severe depression so.

Ok.

She been depressed since she was five, she’s been on medicine since she was seven.

Uh-huh

Was doing ok until about twelve.

Uh-huh

Um and then when she was twelve she tried to commit suicide three different times.

Ok.

She was hospitalized each time and after the last time she went into Lifeline for Youth.  It’s a residential facility in North Salt Lake.

Ok.

She was there for five and a half months, did pretty good.  Came out was good for about a year.  Kinda fell in with maybe kind of a bad crowd, started maybe doing some things she shouldn’t.  Mostly marijuana.  Tried a couple of other things.  We found out about the marijuana use maybe three or four weeks after she started.

Ok.

Took her back to Lifeline.  Um she was there for three months.  So this was July 2014.

Ok.

She was there for five months.

Uh-huh.

Um not really getting better.  She cut herself to get out of there.

Ok

Ended up at Mckay Dee Hospital in patient for two weeks.

Ok.

And from there in January 2015 she went to another residential place in Draper called Youth Care.

Ok.

She was there for three months uh but then insurance quit paying so they had to release her.

Ok.

She was home for five days ran away twice.

Ok.

Um found her both times.  Took her in to the E.R. First time the crisis worker said she was ok to go home.  Two days later she was back in the E.R.  At that point Marilee said I think I need to be impatient again.

Ok.

So she went in to UNI for six weeks which was April of last year.  She was in UNI for six weeks.  They determined that she was not safe and sent her to the Utah State Hospital.

Ok.

So she was there from May 20th.

Of this year?

Of 2015.  Until April second of this year.  So she was there for ten and a half months.

So May of 2015 until when?

April second this year.  And since she’s been trying to get back into a normal life.  She went into a day treatment program up in Ogden for about three or four weeks.

Uh-huh

And they released her said she was fine.  And since then meeting with her counselor occasionally, taking her medications.  Got a job working at Wendy’s in Syracuse.  Registered for school, went through drivers Ed.  So she has a learners permit [inaudible]

Was she going to school in Layton?

She would go to Layton High.

Ok

That’s where we registered her and that’s where she took her driver’s Ed class.  So she seemed to be doing ok.  Um but she’s , she hides things from us.

Ok.

She doesn’t always tell us how she’s feeling.  She snuck out a couple of times before.  One to go driving.  One I took her keys and she just went walking.

Ok.

And then tonight I don’t know her motives for sneaking out.  To think she took the car and this happened.

So there ‘s that.  What does everyone think of that?   And not that I need to bring up her medications to show there’s an issues, but in addition to the above statements  when Marilee was questioned about her medications it didn’t exactly sound like she was on top of taking them, but that will come later…

Also, on a side note because this BS is frustrating to no end, I had asked questions regarding meds, hospitalization and the learners permit and could not get an actual answer from anyone.  Not my lawyer, not the prosecutor, not anyone and a lot of it was in the police report the entire time.

To answer my own question (Who decides what Murder is?):  The answer is the prosecutor, the prosecutor decides the charges.

And I actually learned something regarding murder and manslaughter. So here you go… I am agreeing with he prosecutors original charges, he was right on this one even though it’s not what she ultimately ended up being charged with.

If the perpetrator kills someone while committing  another crime and that crime is also of a serious/dangerous nature the charges will almost always be murder.

 

 

 

 

 

Why do some end like this and others end like ours? Wrong County?

Provo • Testifying Wednesday in her own defense, Meagan Dakota Grunwald said she spent over two terrifying hours driving her truck on a snowy, foggy January afternoon last year as her boyfriend threatened her as he shot at police officers and passing motorists. Jose Angel Garcia-Jauregui threatened to kill her and her family, Grunwald, 18, […]

via Utah murder trial: Teen says boyfriend threatened to kill her before shooting officer — Shawn Miller