I think I found out the secret to life.. The secret IS the problem to life…

Since Madi and Tyler were killed I have been through many different legal things; criminal, civil, work related, insurance related, all kinds and I am finding more and more every day.

I did receive the Layton Police report and that day was not a good day.  It’s not that it was horrible or that there was a shocking element to it, but it was more of the same..

I don’t think I have shared with you the story about the mystery boy in the Marilee Gardner case, it’s an odd and frustrating thing to say the least.  We were told about this imaginary /not imaginary young male the beginning of this year,  so January – February(ish) .  It was the same meeting where we started asking questions (we being myself and Marnie).  The prosecutor was seriously peeved at my questioning, I had caught him completely off guard.  His body language became a bit tense and aggressive and I can’t remember his exact words, but he asked me if there was a reason for my questions.  I said yes, you are asking for our buy-in on a plea agreement, but we have no details to the case.. We don’t even know what happened that night… and he liked that answer, but my answer wasn’t true.  I mean the part about not knowing was true,   but my intention that day was to let them know that quiet time was over.

I complain about the prosecutor, but I have to say he is someone I do want to like.  He has jokes, he is quick-witted and I can see his wheels spinning which is something that gives me confidence in a person.  He is also self-assured, some call it arrogant, but to me that is a characteristic a prosecutor should have.  He is also very well spoken.   He made a statement once in court during a hearing regarding Marilee Gardner’s age and if she should be going through the adult court system because of it (I know irony).  His statement got to me and I cried and cried.  He only spoke for maybe two minutes, but what he said stopped the clock, for me anyways.

I just tried finding what he said that day, but I was only able to find one small portion of his exact words:

“This was no accident, this was a person acting with a depraved indifference to the value of human life,” Miles said of Gardner.

I remember him talking so vividly.  He spoke about her speed and explained what it did to Madi’s car.  There is a way that he annunciates that makes everything seem as though this is all he thinks about and it disturbs him and keeps him up at night.  I wish you all could hear it and at this point I wish I would have heard more of it at a trial.

Ok, back to the mystery male figure.  At the start of the year we were told there were witness reports that there were two people in the vehicle Marilee had stolen that night… What???  This was the very first time for us to hear this, the prosecutor said it as if it were a funny joke, and I believe he was being sincere at that time.

He said laughingly “there was even one point when we were looking for a second person, a boy who was said to be driving“.  We all got very high-strung about this announcement, he quickly told us something about someone in one of the houses that had been involved with this incident reporting that they saw two people fleeing the car and one was a male.  He said they found no evidence of that and we left it at that.

I remember seeing the reports for the first time in August, the reports actually name a boy who was questioned and cleared of being with Marilee, but I still remember thinking how weird it was.

Tuesday I went and picked up this report.  In the first part of the Layton officer’s portion of his conversation with Marilee’s mom he announces to her that the information he has is that there was a male driving her vehicle when this happened.  I didnn’t know why and I still don’t know why, but that bothered me bad this time.  It gave me chills and to be honest I just got chills again while typing this.  It wasn’t ever really corrected in the report.  The officer didn’t  go into detail about where this information had come from, but right on the top of the first page he had made that announcement.

I then looked at the top of the report and it says PRIVATE/CONFIDENTIAL, I just started thinking; What the hell is still out there that we haven’t seen?  Will we ever get to see all of the missing pieces to the puzzle?   I seriously have no idea, I don’t even know who to ask because no one will help me.

PRIVATE/CONFIDENTIAL.  Why is everything such a secret?  Why are we our entire life told we need to keep things to ourselves, “don’t tell anyone”, “please keep private”, “for your eyes only”, “this needs to stay just between us”, “if I tell you something you can’t tell anyone“.

Has this secret keeping ever worked out well for any of us?  It seems like it works out only for people who want things to blow over and be forgotten about. I understand there are things in life that need to be done on the down low, but I feel that this antic is used to threaten us into submission.

I do it too, I keep quiet.  Don’t talk about this, don’t talk about that, I play along.  I don’t think I can anymore.  I don’t agree with this in our supposed free speech country.  I am always being advised not to talk, but I think I have decided that I don’t care anymore.  For the most part it’s a bunch of damaging hooey.

I had also decided this week that it’s time to start talking about the mistreatment that goes on with my work situation .  I can’t allow certain things in my life anymore.  The  ridiculous way myself and others have been treated needs some exposure.  I don’t want anything bad for my employer, but it’s a big damaging mess right now.  It is so bad that they should be worried about fixing things instead of the petty antics that have been going on for years.  I have been trying to work through these issues with them.  I was sent an email listing some non-factual facts today.  I have not replied and that isn’t really the point of me writing this.   At the very bottom of the email is a statement that says something similar to; what we discussed is confidential and should not be shared…

Is that a disclaimer?  Is that a rule?  Is that a warning?  Just a statement?  Obviously someone heard about my blog or maybe someone said something that let them know I was tallking.

Does someone get to tell me that I can’t say certain things?  I think these antics are somewhat abusive, I really do.  They don’t want me to talk because what I will say sounds bad and it is bad.  They want me to be quiet?  Is this allowed?  I don’t think I can do this anymore at this point in my life especially with what I have been through.  I am not a child, no one owns me, but I have always listened.  Do I really have to?  Do we all really have to?

I had this partially written when a long time friend and coincidentally also a coworker commented on my post from last night.  She said something that stuck out like a sore thumb, she said:

“I am proud of you for using your voice and I promise you it is being heard. I appreciate your matter -of- factness.  It’s something I’ve always admired about you.” 

I could not have asked for a better compliment  at this exact time in my life.  And what I am struggling with is matter- of- factness.  I am super proud of that description of me.   I will never say something that someone has told me in confidence, but I am not listening to anyone who tells me what I can and can’t say.  I have the right to say whatever I want and I am going to use it.

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