I will just keep my documentation right here going forward

I feel so violated, like seriously I do.  I have been waiting for the Layton PD report, it was never provided with my “complete” file.  Does this mean my lawyer never even tried to get this?  Honestly it probably does.  And correction on using lawyer I meant lawyers, but it ended up only being a singular lawyer because the other one who promised he would be there through all of the criminal proceedings bailed about January(ish).

This is hard, harder then I could ever have imagined.  I’m confused, shocked, I don’t understand any of this and I thought I had a lawyer to take care of these things, but apparently they aren’t held to any kind of standard whatsoever and it’s my job to know that.

Today is an emotional mess of a day and I feel super pathetic and vulnerable.  I have no fight in me, I know it will come back because it always does.  I thought about posting something I wrote in April, but I can’t make things better for myself or others if I can’t be real and show my defeated bad days.

My work has been messing with me for quite some time and I handle it pretty well for the most part.  I say my work, but it’s probably only one person.  There’s someone there that likes to make me constantly jump through hoops for no reason.  When I went through this last year I ended up being diagnosed with PTSD.  I really don’t know how they diagnose these things, but I know I answered a bazillion questions and I remember laughing because they were in big sections of questions and I would end up answering an entire section as all yes and other sections as all no.  So then you sit there and think; oh no what kind of crazy did I just unknowingly admit to being?

After the testing I had several weeks of therapy sessions, the Therapist didn’t officially diagnose me, but he told me what it was.  I had to wait for the psychiatrist to approve me for my special honor.   I was surprised however  (and again no idea how they determine these things), when I did see the psychiatrist he told me he thinks I have had this since childhood, but losing Madi made it severe.  This did make sense to me, I had  always seemed to repress memories.  I made a comment on yesterdays post about how my mind blocks things that I don’t what to hear, feel or see.   I am starting to realize when I am doing this, such as while Dr. Gardner was talking during sentencing.

The work story is a long story so to get you to where you can understand  without being confused I will try to be brief.  I wouldn’t bother writing about it, but I need to let it out because it is so asinine.  I returned to work  four months after Madi was killed, they had agreed to me switching jobs so that I wouldn’t need to be on the phone which was why I was finally able to be released.   This lasted for about three-four months before it started to seem like it was an issue and I was being asked to make phone calls, but the phone calls I was  being asked to make were always these huge problem orders and I wasn’t being given the details of what had happened on them.   So you can imagine that some of the customers were sometimes confrontational.

I started pushing back on this and because of that the past few months have been hell.  The HR person I had originally dealt with had left less then a month after I  had returned.  The reason she left ?  Her job was being eliminated.  My FMLA/ADA records were missing for at least 8 months, it seems as though they have been found with the exception of the information regarding the return to work agreement.  A few weeks ago I was told that I needed to get them new copies of what I am able to find or new copies from the doctor otherwise they won’t be able to “accommodate” me anymore.

Ok, well that’s nice right?

In addition to providing a new set of  the same documentation they were already given I am also required to get a new ADA form filled out.

So as luck would have it a job came open in a different department, I was approached about taking this job and for a couple of days  I was extremely relieved and excited about my job again. The job I would be transferring to would not have the same potentially volatile situations as my current job so I wouldn’t need to worry about jumping through hoops to get the required documentation.

I would also like to state that I am a good worker, I am very diverse in what I know, so this  feels personal.  This has been horrible, I am having the hardest time understanding how someone can treat me like this knowing my entire situation and also knowing that I came back only because they said they could make things work for me.

Last Friday I was thinking I would be finding out my transfer date.  I was called to HR and I was told in order to take the new job I needed to get released from my doctor on my “accommodations”.   Yep now I have to get released by a doctor for something that wasn’t really ever followed and that they keep saying doesn’t exist so that I can transfer to a job that actually meets what I need.

Seriously I don’t understand, like not at all.  Well I do only because I know that someone doesn’t and never has liked me.  Not before this, not during this, not ever.

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